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Guy Gadbois (TV Persona & Playboy)
This highly successful playboy, better known
for his cameo role in the first “Pink Panther” film in which none other than legendary Peter Sellers breathed
life into his role, is the TV host of “GUY-lty as Sin”. This weekly
broadcast features Guy Gadbois conducting interviews of the most famous as well as wealthy people in Gariston such as Nikos,
Makis Vrykolax, the members of the Playboy Club of Garistian Gentlemen (PCGG), actors, singers and VIPS. The studio in which the interviews take place is a converted mansion where Guy Gadbois sits on one side
of a 10 m. long table, on which triple candlesticks stand every one meter, while the guest sits on the other end. Next to Guy, close to the corner, sits his secretary that types the interview on an antiquated “Smith
Corona” typewriter, forgotten by all in complete contrast to the pleasant atmosphere of the show, as she is typically
dressed like an old maid, the laughing stock of everyone. The background, in
the winter, features a roaring fireplace, wearing his typical red smoking jacket, while in the summer the décor is round ship
windows bringing to mind a yatch and Guy himself dresses up in sailing attire, complete with knee-length shorts and “Nautica”
shirts.
Mister Want (Super hero)
Gariston of course has its own super
hero: Mister Want. This particular brand of super hero, however, helps no one! Instead, wherever he lands, after flying long distances, starts asking people to give
him what he desires or asks them to do all sorts of favors for him, like record movies on their videos or give him their belongings
like records, books, watches or ever the gum they are chewing at that moment! This
super hero wears a red cape and yellow leotards with pink boxer shorts with little blue elephants and animal slippers with
big white rabbit ears.
People, when they see him flying in their
direction, start hiding their positions because once Mr. Want starts demanding something, and is not giving what he wants,
he uses his super whining power and so potent is this power of sheer nagging that no man can tolerate it. In a recent interview with Foskolos Kolotoubas, before he ungraciously beat him up, Mr. Want explained
how he came to possess the uncanny powers he is master of. At an early age he
wandered into a magical cavern where he found the biggest, most beautiful, most wonderful and most purple mushrooms ever seen
by man or beast. By eating one he became able to fly. By eating another one, he became able to whine to the maximum degree.
His reason for going there in the first place was the advice of his neighbor Goofius Magus, who has suggested that
he seek his fortune in the caverns of Taurus Mountain. Goofius’ precise words were: “There lies fortune, precious ore and emeralds. Seek and ye shall find”. Needless
to say, Goofius Magus was once again wrong in his predictions, but a legend was born!
Pidalios Amyalos (painter)
A painter of worldwide renown, Pidalios Amyalos,
has created his own style, “oneiroinspire”. Pidalios was the first
artist to systematically paint what he dreams, subjecting himself to odd menus and sleeping pills so that he can have the
most bizarre dreams, often watching horror movies before sleeping. His chosen
mediums range from garbage picked from trash cans to mud and flour. The curator
of the National Garistian Museum of Modern Arts in Andelevitsville has referred to him as “the archetypical Garistian
artist who brought avant-garde expression out through a tunnel of darkness into the light of visionary dreams”.
Luben Karafluben
Luben Karafluben
is a bald man wearing orange color robes who takes to the streets and has the good fortune to attract women without doing
anything. Women assume that this must be an intellectual of rare insight and
a philosopher who ponders on the deeper issues affecting mankind. Instead, Luben
Karafluben thinks of nothing, knows nothing and is bald because he is simply too bored to have hair long enough to comb! IF SOMEONE ASKS HIM WHAT HE THINKS OF IGNORANCE AND INDIFFERENCE, HE WILL SAY “I
DON’T KNOW AND I DON’T CARE”…
Chief Inspector Jacques Clouzeau
After his latest debacle in
Paris and suffering a midlife crisis, seeing that his colleagues
and superiors had lost faith in him, he felt dejected and embarked on a diet of milk and crackers. The offer of the post of Chief of Police in Gariston, came as a Godsend that he could hardly refuse. In Gariston he has exhibited incomparable police abilities, sound judgment, tireless
devotion to the job as well as becoming an expert backgammon master!
Seventh Loser, Lord Brett Sinclair, Simon Templar
All these individuals are currently
residents in the Garistian Commonwealth. It should be pointed out that all three personages reside in the Commonwealth despite
being the same person! This triple aspect is a fact that must not be confused.
a. Seventh Loser
This aristocratic thief/burglar/conman,
has made a habit of stealing objects he does not need but cannot resist taking! Suffering
from acute kleptomania –being diagnosed by clinical Psychiatrist Thermosifonas Wings himself- he always takes seven
pieces of what he steals. He leaves the clearest clue for the police who do not
even have to arrest him as an intimidating phone call to his house is enough to convince him to return the stolen items!
b. Lord Sinclair
The Lord lives in an impressive
mansion in the outskirts of Andelevitsville and he’s always ready to enforce the law if police chief Inspector Clouzeau
calls on him. Of course his friend Danny Wilde lives in a villa adjoining the
Lord’s estate.
c. Simon Templar
He is the Governor of the small
island that bears his name and is also willing to help when the need arises.
Captain Lassard and the entire cast of the Police Academy motion picture series
All these wonderful-wonderful
people moved to Gariston invited by Dennis Symperasmaticos personally to offer their expertise in training the new Garistian
Police recruits. Under the guidance of Lieutenant Mahoney and the others, Garistian
Police officers are considered to be the finest that can be. Also, Captain Lassard
moonlights as Captain on the Triehler Police Force where the Academy is located.
Salts Stratos (Gariston National Team Coach)
Salts Str`atos, the present
coach of the GNT was for many years considered a failed lunatic. His wild outbursts
during matches got him expelled more than once and more than one referee has suffered at his hands! After resigning from the management of VILLE BC FC due to his inability to control his temper in a match
against Parouah where he ended up in hand to hand combat with the entire KKK force and the Grand Wizard himself who accused
him for the loss, he spend a year in seclusion and refused to see anyone except the same Ville BC fans he had argued with!
Apart from couching the National
Team, he is known to offer his services as coach to both Korgull FC (a team he created himself) as well of Apollonia, the
team of his hometown, even when those teams are playing against each other!!! He
created Korgull in order to play himself as a player along with his friends and team mates who are members of Voivod, the
notorious Canadian Progressive Metal Band. Apollonia, a relatively new team,
is currently in the 3rd division of the Garistian championship. This
team has the distinction of being both the only team of the island
of Apollonia and its National Team as well!
Vlassis (The TV Music Star)
After a phenomenally successful
career in Greece as musician and television
personality, Vlassis headed to Gariston and he’s currently engaged in a new music band playing old Greek rock songs
and his own TV Show “Vlassurp!”, that is watch by millions of Garistians every Sunday night!
Bernie
Lomax (Mayor of Strisbourg)
Bernie, whose
adventures are well documented in the
“Weekend
at Bernie’s” comedies, was brought to Gariston by his two captors, Larry and Richard. As they were rich, they managed to establish themselves in Strisbourg and develop contacts with the business
community, making Bernie chairman of K.Y.S. Bank. After getting him elected to
the town council, never leaving his side, they got him to run for mayor and the results proved that their “faith”
in Bernie was justified. Bernie won by a landslide and served as a mayor for
two terms before being uncovered and ignominiously losing his seat in the ensuing elections.
Up to that
time, Bernie, though dead, lived a life that any man would envy. He was taken
by the two daring young men who wielded his person to the most expensive of hotels, most exotic of islands and traveled first
class with champagne, caviar and in the company of beautiful girls!
Eezekiel
Eezekiel, the well known figure of the movie
“Children of the Corn”, had dedicated his life to the service of the “One He Walks Behind the Rows”. After enduring many hardships and undergoing mental anguish, suffering depravity and
risking life and limb, one day he came to see with his own two eyes the very figure he had worshiped as a god and devoted
the quintessence of his being to; it was none other than…professor Wobble! This
revelation, enough to drive any sane man to instant insanity, had a profound effect on Eezekiel who cried in desperation
“No, no, it cannot be! Anything but that!
What have I done! A life wasted on that clown!”
It should be noted that professor Wobble who
was wandering behind the corn on and off for years, was doing so in search of species of Planaria worms and was taken aback
when he saw Eezekiel’s outburst. The professor of course had no idea that Eezekiel
and his acolytes had been worship him and committing murders and other vile, hideous, reprehensible and not so nice atrocious
actions in his name and at the behest of Joshua!
Eezekiel now can be found wondering the
streets of Dehanceville pitied by all who witness this spectacle of a once proud child who is now the laughing stock of the
city moaning “no, no, it cannot be!”
The other members of the cult did not share
Eezekiel’s fate. As they did not become pitifully mad, they were apprehended
and sentenced to exile from Gariston.
Maysels
Veyss
Few men can claim an ancestry as distinguished
as Maysels Veyss. Born to a family of industrialists and with tycoons for grand
parents on both sides of the family, he had to worry about nothing else except obtaining an education and the skills that
would allow him to carry on the family tradition in excellence and progress. Great
expectations were created and much was awaited from Maysels. Alas, this was not
to be. Great misfortune struck anyone who came near the young Maysels.
On the very minute of his birth in Kiel,
Germany, there was a blackout in the hospital, the obstetrician
slipped and broke his leg and the nurses got in a cat fight on learning that they were all dating the same obstetrician! The future did not prove kind to the people surrounding Veyss either. Nervous breakdowns, suicides, near fatal mishaps and accidents, marriages to frigid women, allergies, cases
of insanity and demonic possessions plagued the family for two decades. When
Veyss senior read in the newspaper about the creation of Gariston, an idea suddenly popped to his mind. The next day at breakfast he suggested his idea to his son: “Son, you know how loved you are but
for the sake of your family, extended family and the whole town, you must get as far away from us as possible. I discovered a charming place called Gariston. I’m sure
you can prosper there”. A so it was.
Maysels Veyss immigrated to Gariston in 1987
(A-1977), just a year before Gariston closed the borders to immigrants. On his
arrival severe floods were recorded round Gariston and temperatures dropped to the lowest point in Garistian history! Maysels became a resident of Flisbourg. Despite
the misfortune that follows him like a shadow, he found a job with the Flisbourg Police Force under Commander Sledge Hammer. In time, his colleagues learned how to use his misfortune to capture criminals. They would send him in the midst of criminals so he would jinx them. The criminals would be inflicted by the most unpredictable accidents, exotic diseases, cardiac arrests
and sudden feelings of remorse!
Goofius
Magus
If one walks along the outskirts of Monaco
Royal, he cannot fail to notice a rather small but impressive structure resembling to a medieval tower. This is the home of Goofius Magus, a self-styled magician who has repeatedly attempting to use his sorcery
in order to influence political developments or cause harm to individuals who stood up to him and his “shenanigans”.
Goofius Magus is an impressive figure; tall,
thin, invariably dressed in black and surrounded by the lesser creatures in life: mice, bats, ravens and black cats. Even though the weather is often sunny in Monaco Royal, the presence of dark clouds
is commonplace over his home!
Goofius Magus’s preoccupation with the
occult is not recent. From an early age he absorbed the knowledge available in
books of the occult when he inherited his grand father’s library of rare sixteenth and seventeenth century editions.
His first practical attempt at magic was doomed
to failure. When attempting to cast a spell through a voodoo doll (after studying
Roland Maribaud’s book “Les Vaudou Des Aborigines”) Goofius accidentally pricked his finger instead of the
doll undergoing extreme pain and had to be rushed to hospital for a tetanus shot as his pin was rusty!
On another occasion, while reading the potent
spell with which he was about to vanquish an enemy, the phone rang and being asked his name from an advertiser, he said his
name, inadvertently, bringing the spell onto himself. For an entire year, Goofius
Magus lived as a half-blind limping invalid in accordance with his spell!
Goofius’s latest encounter with misfortune
was when he lured unsuspecting tourists to his mansion and enticed them to join his newly founded Order of Utter Darkneth
(OOUD). Dressed in black gowns, the novices were called forth by the Grand Wizzard,
Goofius Magus himself, and asked to fully accept the Dark One as well as pledge complete obedience as faithful acolytes to
the Great Wizard. Goofius placed himself in the middle of the pentagram and chanted
the blackest of spells, calling on Banshees, Soothsayers, Witch Doctors, Fairies, Goblins, Living Gargoyles and the spirit
of Alexis Carrington-Colby! However, the powers that were unleashed and which
were aimed against the entire population of Monaco Royal and in particular the Mayor and Town Council (that had decided to
construct a road next to Goofius’ mansion which would disturb his peace and quiet), due to a tragic miscalculation struck
his own followers, and as they were not Garistians the effects were fatal. Goofius
needed two days to burry the bodies in his front yard. Goofius later, looking
at the gravestones, said: “The only good thing that came from that adventure is that I found suitable decoration from
my front yard”!
The well known Garistian biographer of the
stars, Lubinus Celebraq, wrote: “Goofius called on everyone that night except the spirit of the wolf that attempted
to devour little red riding hood”! The same biographer also wrote: “Goofius
never doubted his powers, his pre-eminence in the league of gifted mages or the fact that he was the greatest sorcerer since
Merlin, who, had he still been living, would undoubtedly become his staunch supporter and eager pupil”.
Goofius Magus has not given up his attempts
to one day become Master of the Universe but his existence is a lonely one. Friendless,
he walks the streets, laughed at by passers by who pretend to respect him when they see him but point to him mockingly as
soon as he walks away. Suffice it to say that among the fashionable crowds in
Monaco Royal, Goofius Magus is known as “the Goofy Magician”…
Black
Xeftil`a
The celebrated striker of Ektrom FC, Black
Xeftil`a, is a household name in Gariston. While Ektrom has a permanent place
in the first division of Gariston teams, it is far and away the worst team, often conceding 30 goals in a single match! Black Xeftil`a, though as incompetent as the rest of his team mates, wields the uncanny
ability to score goals with the most improbable of ways. It is not uncommon for
him to score accidentally by striking the ball with the ear, hip, back of the neck or the buttocks while bending over to tie
his shoe laces! In Ektrom he is seen as a hero, a living legend and the incarnation
of Shaka Zulu! Of course, in Ville
BC he is despised as no other man or beast.
Thrice, angry Villbicians attempted to capture him to parade him “triumphantly” in their KKK ceremonies
but could not keep up with him as he easily outrun his pursuers, being an athlete. Black
Xeftil`a, despite his successes does not participate in the Garistian National Team as Villbicians have threatened to use
force in the event of his participation!
Korgull
The chief characteristic of the city
of Grastamberg is an inhabitant by the name of Korgull. Korgull is a tram driver who loves to run over pedestrians as they are crossing the
tram lines. Of course, this being Gariston, no one dies. For this reason people in the city don’t mind being run over too much.
Korgull, as many techno-psycho-metal
fans will know, was the original inspiration of Away, the leading figure of the Canadian band Voivod, whose entire concept
as a band was technology gone wild.
Having heard of Korgull, the band members
traveled to Gariston to meet this inspiring savage figure from up close. It should
be noted that Korgull is also president of the same-titled third division football team that Voivod set up in his honour. This team, Korgull FC is currently struggling to advance to the 2nd division
with the inspiring guidance of Salts Stratos.
Mamfredas Hourhoulidis (Leviathan Hunter)
The great beast that is said to inhabit the oceans
of our World has been spotted of the coasts of Volpan Island. While some call this a hoax, akin to that of the Loch-Ness monster, Mamfredas Hourhoulidis,
has taken the sighting of this sea beast seriously and intents to bring it to the surface for all to see. He has not spared expences, resources, man power or time (which could have been spent much wiser listening
to Progressive rock music) to accomplish this task.
Vudovlak
Vudovlak is an uncanny
being whose exact potential is unknown. Famed to be an invincible Mesopotamian
deity, Vudovlak was found in the remote caverns overlooking the area that settled by Garistians in A-1972 and became the city
of Amityville. It
was Prof. Kapik who led the expedition that uncovered a number of obscure and inexplicable fossils. The expedition accidentally broke the sealed door that held the mighty Vudovlak prisoner in oblivion. Ever since that fateful day, Vudovlak has been asking for the permission to be resurrected
by Prof Kapik, the only person who can grant that wish, in accordance with the ancient laws of finders-keepers.
The possible Vampiric dimensions of his personality
and the royal Sumerian bloodline that may run in his phantom veins, have made
him both a figure of worship by certain locals, Balaldig residents, desperate teenagers and old maids as well as an object
of fear, contempt and scorn by the scientific community. Prof Kapik yearly turns
down Vudovlak’s requests for resurrection.
Spongebob
Everyone’s favorite cartoon character, especially in Gariston may
very well be living of the shores of one of the rocky islets of Tsiapis
Islands Territory. Though evidence is scant, there are those who claim to have seen either Spongebob or certain of his friends
while scuba diving. Many believe that the fans of Spongebob have actually uncovered
his location but keep their mouth shut for fear of harm that may come.
THE CLASS OF TRAVELERS
A peculiar class
of citizens in Gariston is the “travelers” who are in the habit of making extensive use of Gariston’s busses,
as they are lonely creatures and seek the succor of the commuters. Their antics
and overall behavior has made them legends in our country.
The Knight: The so-called “Knight” likes to get on busses and release his imagination. He lowers his knees and making quick jumping movements, he reminds one of a jockey
riding a horse. He then finds a seat and gently caresses the side of the bus
as if it is a horse. He is of course harmless and there is no person unhappy
to see him.
The Playboy: This traveler should not be confused with any of the members of the Playboy Club. “Playboy” typically dresses like an exaggerated stereotype of a seventies
Italian or Yugoslavian playboy. His attire includes red scarf, shiny green
suit and yellow shirt. Numerous golden chains dangling from his neck and his
golden watch convey the image of an aging babe hound. His pompidou hair and manly
moustache complete the picture of the sexy lady’s man.
The Carols Singer: In Gariston it is a tradition for little children to go from house to house
early in the morning on the days before Christmas and the New Year, as in Greece, singing the carols, clanking on a little
metallic triangle, whose sound accompanies the singing. The man or woman of the
house rewards these children with a small amount of money. The Carols Singer
however usually gets on busses late at night, well after the New Year and, clanking on the triangle, he hollers (screams no
words). Because of his menacing appearance, certain middle aged women offer him
money.
Pepsi Max: “Pepsi Max” is a truly enigmatic personality. He get some busses, with headphones on his ears, holding a can of Pepsi Max. He then places the can on top of the small box containing tourist guide brochures and maps (that exists
on all busses in Gariston). Of course, when the bus starts moving, the can drops
to the floor and then, shocked, surprised and in disbelief, “Pepsi Max” starts making grumbling noises, pointing
to the can. It is not unusual for an exasperated passenger to get up and kick
the can out of the bus. This class of individuals is known as “Scorers”.
TERMS FOR DIFFERENT PERSONALITIES
In Gariston there
are numerous expressions for any conceivable type of personality.
For example, “Jonathan”
means an utterly worthless person, undeserving of any respect.
“Manolakis” refers to a tall fat person going bald who is nevertheless
in the company of women.
“Tsutsekoides” is used with regard to teenagers who are annowing and
deserve a thorough thrashing (beating).
“Kilaras” is used for the bus drivers on the Ville BC-Eschvinill route,
who are typically fat, ill-tempered and late.
“Kolathra” means a shapely woman.
“Jason”
refers to people who are urged to abandon their posts but still refuse to give up their comfortable position in an Organization. The inspiratory for this term comes from the “Friday the 13th”
movies where the protagonist just refuses to die and stay dead!
“Hashishomytis” means a contractor who builds high-rise office buildings
that are eyesores.
“Mothra” refers to a nagging mother who never leaves her children or
her husbands at peace.
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